"I was suicidal but needed to hold it together for my children…”

I had a career I loved and suddenly I was made redundant and forced to have a termination all within the space of a month. I had to call the Samaritans twice as I was suicidal but needed to hold it together for my two children. I was in pieces. My listener helped me put myself back together again. Thanks to her patience and wisdom I was able to stop blaming myself for agreeing to terminate against my own will. Each week, I slowly unpicked the tangle of emotions that has caused this crisis in my life and with her help I came to realise that I wasn’t the terrible, weak person I thought I was.

I needed someone impartial, sympathetic, and entirely non-judgmental and kind to listen to me while I talked and tried to come to terms with what had happened. She very skilfully guided me through the steps of The Journey and let me speak for as long as I needed about anything I felt relevant without rushing me. There was no one in my personal life – family or friend – who could have listened for so long without prejudice and so if I had not been able to talk to her I would have had no one to help me through it. She also gave me a very gentle, helpful feedback, which showed how far I had come with her. I filled out the same questionnaire towards the end that I had at the beginning. I had originally ticked all the boxes, which indicated I was severely depressed and in turmoil but the second time I did the questionnaire, I appeared to be a different person.

Without this help I shudder to think where I would be now and the state my family could be in as a result. I only wish I had not declined the doctor’s suggestion that I see [Crossway] before the termination. I really wanted the baby but I was mentally fatigued from the stress of losing my job and I was under immense pressure from my husband to not have the baby. When I heard that Crossway was associated with St. Stephen’s Church, I instantly feared more pressure, this time from the other side – from ‘Pro-Lifers’ - persuading me it was wrong to abort a life, which is why I said “no” that day. I was desperate to be free of external pressure or anyone else’s agenda and knew I needed space to make up my own mind. I remember being in turmoil– just nine days – the day I found out I was pregnant until the day I had the medial abortion. I was supposed to be going on holiday for the first time in six years with my family and I would be away for three weeks so I needed to make a decision fast as I had decided in my heart that I would point-blank refuse a surgical abortion because it would be a ‘proper baby’ by then. I had one week to decide whether to take the medical abortion pill or not, not nearly enough time. What I really needed was a quiet place to be, to drown out all the noise both outside and in my head, and figure out what I wanted and what I could live with. I was flailing around desperately searching online late into the night to see if the baby already had a heartbeat and when it would be due while my husband argued it was hardly more than “just cells”. Unfortunately, out of desperation, I sought advice from a friend who took me under her wing, telling me termination was the ‘sensible option’. Under immense pressure from those around me, I ended up making the worst decision of my life.

I went to Crossway after I’d contacted my GP to say I wasn’t coping with the decision I’d made and my listener made it quite clear to me that she was just there to listen, not judge, some people come to Crossway and still decide to terminate and that’s ok too.

Crossway wants to provide support for woman in crisis who needs a safe place to think. It is utterly impartial and there are wise and caring listeners who merely guide you to an understanding of what is really inside your own heart.

I will never forget the child that could have been or stop mourning the loss but I now accept what happened and am able to move on with my life.